Tuesday Imperatives

• Google your neighbors at your peril—life is simpler when you don’t know.
• Teach your children chess. Not for the game itself, which is pointless and stupid and designed to make you feel bad, but for the ability to think six moves ahead when they are someday managing their careers, and for the knowledge that half the pieces on the team are worthless and expendable.
• LOL at the self-important, Internet-famous blowholes whom the tumblr bot repeatedly suggests to you.
• Mock the Millennials, for it is what they are actually entitled to.
• Ponder where they store John Tesh between summer Olympiads.
• Leave dead bugs on the floor where you squashed them as a message to their friends, especially those horrid fuckers with a million scary legs.
• Blog like no one’s watching; email like you’ll never be hurt; Skype like no one’s listening. (Except the NSA.)

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